Guest Movie Review: Planet of the Apes

Guest Reviewer's Note: The movie was a matinee price of $5.75 each. Another reason why the West Coast kicks butt! We think Judy's considering moving back. Reviewed by Becca and Michael Mink (cashing in on our prize for winning the Oscar picks contest) In case any of you don't send in your Oscar picks here's a little incentive - not only did Judy pay for the movie and snacks, she also bought lunch that day. We can't speak for her to whether or not this will now be included in the prizebut it was for us.

Story: Man teaches monkey to fly in space. Monkey gets lost in space. Mansearches for lost monkey in electrical storm. Man lands on monkey planet.Hilarity ensues. (Actually, we were the only ones laughing in the theater.) In this Tim Burton (Edward Scissorhands, Batman, Sleepy Hollow) directed remake Mark Wahlberg playsthe Human (make a mental picture of Troy McClure pronouncing, It's the part I was born to play, baby!) We are both big Mark Wahlberg fans (Becca's personal note: His tuchus looks fabulous in astronaut white) so we looked to this movie with guarded anticipation. This film has several moral messages, everything from the perils of racial inequality to don't beat your dog, along with a cliche around every corner. Charlton Heston has a cameo role as the father of Tim Roth, who plays the enormously breathy ape Thade, and he somehow manages to throw us a guns are all-powerful message. The movie had a few funny moments: One scene had an ape as an organ grinder and a midget as the grindee. Another scene had an ape removing his toupee and his dentures (think Chimp Channel). But the absolute funniest moment occurs when Heston's character, on his apparent deathbed, referring to the humans bellows, Damn them all to hell! Oh the irony!

Acting: Not Mark Wahlberg's (Fear, Boogie Nights, Perfect Storm) best performance by any stretch (Becca's note: but he's sure nice to look at. Judy agreed). Helena Bonham Carter (Fight Club) portrays the human loving ape with a social conscience. Sports Illustrated swimsuit model turned actress Estella Warren needs to go back to the non-motion picture industry. She looked pained most of the time, almost constipated (the apes must've usurped all the roughage). Tim Roth (Pulp Fiction) over-acted, over-jumped, and over-breathed his way through his role. Kris Kristofferson has a small part as the father of Estella Warren (they are both humans, too by the way, yet they are indigenous to this planet). We thought there might have been a chance that he and Marky Mark would revert to their recording artist days and give a New Kidsy version of Me and Bobby McGee. Paul Giamatti (Private Parts, The Negotiator, son of former Major League Baseball commissioner A. Bartlett Giamatti) gave his usual solid performance as a weasely slave trader of humans. And then some other actors as apes, one included Michael Clarke Duncan (The Green Mile), but we were unsure which silverback he was.

Critters: Just a few humans.

Food: Gourds and papayas. Surprisingly, no bananas.

Visual Art: A painting by an astronaut monkey.

Blatant Product Placement: Not Applicable

Soundtrack: When John Williams has nightmares, this is what is playing in

the background.

Opening Titles: Whatever.

Theater Audience: Mostly male, mostly mullets. The theater itself was beautiful. George Lucas owns it. Great seats, killer sound, pretty much what you'd expect.

Sappy Factor: An uninspired motivational speech given by Marky Mark. We

think it went something like this: Give me good vibrations, give me sweeeeet sensation!

Quirky Meter: Eh

Squirm scale: Maybe if wouldn't have been PG-13

Predictability Level: Our computer has no symbol for infinity.

Tissue Usage: Only for our buttery fingers.

Oscar Worthy: Only if there's a new award this year for Best Heavy Breather. Actually, Rick Baker needs to build an addition to house all his Oscars. This should be one more for the collection for his outstanding makeup job. (Note: we are unsure if there are any other makeup artists in Hollywood.)

Nit Picking: Where did Estella Warren get lipstick for those extraordinarily pouty lips? They looked like they were about to explode as if she was on Celebrity Deathmatch.

Big Screen or Rental: Either/or. (Becca's note: Mark's butt is too fine to be reduced to a 19 inch screen)

Length: Just under 2 hours, and probably 20 minutes too long.

MINK SQUEALS: 6.5

C'mon everyone sing with us: I hate every ape I see, from chimpan-A to chimpanzee. Oh you've finally made a monkey out of me. Oh my god, I was wrong. It was Earth all along. Oh you finally made a monkey (oh yes we finally made a monkey). Oh you

finally made a monkey out of meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

-Troy McC